Before.
"It's seven. Get up."
Mom knocked on my door, her voice raspy with exhaustion. I groaned as I tried to sit up right. Every morning I wake up at seven, and get up to go to school. My alarm rings at six forty-five though, I just get fifteen minutes of rolling about and contemplating if I should go to school. Of course, I wanted to go because I wanted to see one person. Yet I didn't, for the same reasons. I'd wait a little while for your good morning text.
By the majority of the days I go, I get up and brush my teeth. I sit on the toilet seat for a really long time, as if to get some energy boost off the seat. I'll always lean on my left leg, rinse my toothbrush, slap on the toothpaste (I use Colgate Teeth Whitening) and rinse once more. I brush until I get satisfied, which leaves my arm sore. As the bristles move and dance around the metal brackets of my braces, I think of you. I smile in the mirror and with all the white froth around my lips, I look like a goof. I don't spit out the froth though, I rinse the brush until it's clean of toothpaste, and let the dripping moisture rinse it off for me. Then I'll scrape my tongue, which is usually a painful process because my gag muscles are more sensitive than the ends of fibre optics. I get changed into my uniform (I am an avid fan of Wednesdays and Fridays. Fridays especially), by then you would've replied to my 'good morning sayang<3' too. I'd comb my hair and I'd smile because I felt so happy that you were there. It would be 7:20 by then, and I'd pack my bag, and leave by 7:25. I'd text you in the car, and when I saw you in school, you'd raise your eyebrows at me and automatically hitch a staring contest with me. You always win, but I win because I get to see how beautiful your eyes are, you don't.
You'd text me in class on days I'm lucky. And during recess, I'd go to your class to see you. I just find Whitney and Calvin an excuse. Whenever you walk past my class, you'd gaze right in to find me. I'd meet yours, and we'll both smile. When we're both dead bored, we'd meet at the water cooler on the third floor. I loved it when you laughed, that "Hahaa", which went higher pitched at the end. Your eyes would curl at the ends, and your mouth would be agape, your teeth showing. I felt so blessed because I had an amazing boyfriend. I was proud of you.
I'd wait for your classes to finish in the afternoon, and we'd go home together - on days I was lucky. On other days you'd go with your mates for lunch, and well just sometimes I felt a little sad I couldn't have you to accompany me. Guess if only back then I stepped a little out of my shell. Otherwise I'd go home alone, but you'd keep texting me throughout the journey, keeping me company. I'd go home and fall asleep, leaving you waiting. And then when I wake up, it'd be dinner time. I'd be dead hungry because I wouldn't have eaten lunch. Profusely apologizing for my abrupt, uninformed afternoon nap. Text, text, text, you'd go Dotting (our stupid code haha) or slack, and I'd just be watching the tele. Then further into the night, you'd fall asleep. Or I would. You'd text me sweet stuff to say good night, and I could only reply the next morning. I miss that so much.
And how it all began.
I miss how I used to pick you everyday from NCC training in the June holidays. Hugged me goodbye everyday without fail. I loved how we met at the Chinese Garden and sat there all the way till six. Too bad I was holding my wallet, you said you wanted to hold my hand remember? You were my 'hubby' then. I was your wife.
Remember our first kiss? You kissed me near my ear, and I swear it didn't feel like reality. I was smiling all the way home. Then came the 5th of July - was it your HMT Oral? I remember how Khairi wanted to send me home, but I couldn't leave Whitney too, and I wanted to see you. In the end you called me, and we went to the playground. We sat there for a little while before we all left for the bus stop. Khairi thought you were sad because you looked blank. Instead he left, and told you to send me back. Unfortunately you could only leave me to be at the interchange - I didn't blame you, I understood. You then texted me about Khairi over you, and how I wanted you instead. You did this light painting app on your iPhone and sent it to me - "I love you syg". It was messy, but it was the start of the random MMSing. You asked to be mine - and I cluelessly said yes. On the sixth, I had dinner with Whitney. She asked if we were together, and you asked once more on our 7th July, 12:00, according to the timing on your laptop. I was so happy I was close to tears.
Our walks in the park, our sit-downs at the staircase, our chilling at benches. Remember how we met at blk 175 or somethin. It was nearly 11, and you came back from some NCC thing - I forgot. We sat there, your shoulder was my rest. Damn was I happy.
Remember that bench in the park at Panjang. It was beautiful. You slept on my shoulder and I slept on yours. You had to leave at six, and so we did. You saw your friend on the way - I remembered how you held my hand as we went up the stairs of the overhead bridge. Remember the girl who was on the phone in front of us? You were cheekily mimicking her, was wondering if she heard. We both got home, and I knew I slept fucking happy that night. Did I tell you how dashing you looked during the NDP celebration in school? I was annoying - "Siala, that one Haziq sia. My sayang leh." Haha... wish I could say the same now. We sat at the staircase, and before you left to meet your brother I remember that one tight, tight hug I gave you. Said it hurt you, I'm sorry.
Then came your birthday - 19 Aug. You got bashed, and I forgot your shoulder hurt. I just rammed into it, and I thought you were having some tantrum against me. Whitney and I went for dinner at Mac, saw you there with Afiq. I bought you your cake, sadly it wasn't very good. Celebrated with Lionel and Jianhung. I remember that kiss you gave me when they went to the loo. On the way home I stared at you. You said you well awkward, as if you were an alien. So I didn't, and faked an attitude. You turned my head to face you. And you kissed me right on the lips. My first ever, official kiss. Every time I sit in 975, I made an effort to sit at the same corner we always sat. But I hope you understand it isn't the kiss that matters but that moment. I went all the way to Queensway to get your hoodie made, searched the net for Potter glasses... because I didn't know what to get you. I hope you liked it. I remember how I cake-smashed you, and failed terribly. You and your rugby reflexes.
The night of the Paramore concert. I was pretty broken you couldn't go. But I met you at CCK MRT, and there you were in your hoodie. The first time I saw you in it. Walked to Chua Chu Kang park, and I said I was scared. You held me close. We sat there, I talked about the concert. I slept a little in your arms. Left soon, you kissed me goodbye again, gave me money to go home by cab. It was one damn beautiful night. I still remember that ride.
My birthday, 24 Aug. You wanted to take me out for a decent dinner at Pizza Hut, but I declined. If only I went. Maybe it would've made things a little different. You were sad, and I was guilty. Amitayus and Whitney bought me an Angry Birds cake - and all of us went to the rooftop. I remember how I cake smashed you - even thought it wasn't your birthday. You just looked too cute. Hafiz suffered the most though - poor chap. Then it was my turn. I missed how you held the tap on for me. It was so sweet. Thank you. After that Yude and Whitney left. Amitayus and Hafiz went to tickle you bad. Your head was in my lap, and it was so cute when you struggled. That was the start of me trying to tickle you. Tagged you accidentally in the check-in, sorry. Just because of that, that night ended bad.
I remember when your Puasa was ending. The last two nights you came over, and walked hand-in-hand with me all over Upper Bukit Timah. I was happy. I felt that we could last forever. How you hugged and kissed me goodbye. I always loved that, every time you sent me home to my back gate. Fond memories. Stayed late, got home till 3. I remember how you needed to pee so bad.
Remember the day 2/5'10 had that outing. Remember how I rushed down, and that long busride? That few photos of us? How you hugged me in the sea because the salt water got up my nose. How you fell over on your roller blades. How you shared a piece of chip with me, through your lips. I miss that. If only I could relive it.
But things change. People make mistakes, and soon they all end up jumbled into a mess. I tried to keep you, but I guess my hands grew slippery. Sixth October, a day before our 3rd month. Bam, everything came to an end. Remember how sad I felt on Teachers' Day? It was because I wanted to go with you. Remember all the times I was sad? It was only because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to know your friends, I wanted to fit in, I wanted to feel loved by my own boyfriend, I wanted to feel appreciated. Like how I felt way before we started, Mr Goldfish Eyes. But you told me I had to see the world.
Then there's one thing you don't understand about me.
If I want one thing, I analyze all choices, consequences, whatsoever. I've wanted to get Vans, haven't I? But I found my Macbeth Matthews. I don't change and change and change. I'm stubborn. I stick to one, and one it is. I'm rash in decisions, but much of the time I make the right choices. Wrong ones are by intention - or the mere lack of caring at all. Haziq, you never a mistake. We both were at fault. I could've conveyed how I felt truly instead of saying "Nothing, I'm just tired". I tried to make up for my mistakes, waiting for you, changing to be a better person, to get you back. I didn't change for you. I changed so I saw better of myself- better enough to be on par with you. So I needn't feel inferior. How you liked someone else for 2 years, and been with me for only how long.
Maybe another thing was how I felt with you and your other girl friends. I felt they knew you better. They did, there's no denying. Somehow, I just wanted you to treat me the same way you treated them, if not, better. I cried about it sometimes, weak eh? But I couldn't help it. It was there and then from this jealousy that my inferior complex manifested further.
You say I'm only 15. Age is just a number. You say I needed to see the world. So if I get married at 30, I'm gonna get divorced at 50, and remarry? I'm no chameleon, I know what I want. You say my thoughts will change. Maybe yours would, mine wouldn't. I wanted A'fat 7 years ago. I still love her.
It hurts me. It hurts me because it's so frustrating that I fought so hard against my own emotions, yet I couldn't get you back. 27 days, and without fail I cried as if I was in mourning every, single, day. You weren't there to hold me anymore, to hold me down from leaving.
Don't you get it? I just want you back...
But since you want to move on, I want to say thank you. For everything, for letting me see the better in life. That there's hope to everything, if not something. Yet, the only things that don't have hope anymore, I guess is us.
"You said forever. Guess forever was over..."
I miss you saying you love me.
Hope you understand that I'm not moving on.
I still want you back.