I hate how I have this low self-esteem thing, and how I'm really lazy. And both of them just don't coerce with each other because sometimes I just cannot be bothered to get up and take a run. Like you know, going on a diet? I never wanted to be stick skinny (but you know how thinspiration does get to a girl), but I've always desired some muscles here and there - so one day I decided to join a sport for my co-curricular activity and me, being me, I lost the interest.
Boom. I got lazy.
Aside the fact from that, (which is completely polar from what is actually on my mind) I always dreamt of being that one girl.
That girl had the perfect, toned figure, who looked good in everything, who played football like a star, who could wakeboard and skate as if she was born with flippers and a board on her soles. With the perfect hair and that sunshine smile. Standing on a pair of legs that were nicely tanned, and seemed to go on forever. Bedazzling eyes that would awestruck the masses. Warm hands with long, beautiful fingers that skimmed past guitar strings and a melodious voice that hymned one into hypnosis. A big, kindred heart that could house many, and a mind that tried, or even faked positivity, just to find happiness.
Her soul would be hardworking, tired or not, she would strive not only for herself but similarly for others. A beautiful face, that even the stubborn would melt and give in to.
The girl every guy dreamt of, who looked perfect in photos even if she was crying. Who was brilliant at words, brilliant at brushes and strokes. Gentle with the young and old, beast or mild.
Every girl wants to find happiness, and some of us seek and perceive it in different ways. So many I am part of the foolish, lovesick bunch, the one that picked the wrong door from the very start.
Every girl wants to be every guy's dream. The stellar one - the one with everything. Heiress to a fortune, goddess of beauty and the heart of our nation's courtesy lion.
But I'm not that girl and thus I never think that I am ever good enough for anything or anybody. I don't even dare love anymore. Because sometimes love attracts undesirable reactions, and undesirable reactions can make one break.
I've broken too many times for count. But fuck it.
Just one last time, and we'll see how it goes... if it does ever happen once more, whoever he shall be shall not be named, kind of means it. Damn it.
Hey heart.
I wasn't supposed to feel anything, you know. Fuck you. Why do you keep scaring everyone away? Give my soul a break. My ears are tired of listening to heartbreaking songs that describe every thing I feel. How many hours has it been? Many.
He might not be gone now, but he will. It is only a matter of time, heart. Never mind, I'm sick of it anyway. Mind plays the same tricks on me too.
Sigh.
Please just don't make the same mistake, heart. Please just wait till the right one comes.
Even if he isn't (wtf am I talking? I'm fifteen. Jeez), just, stop it.
Be normal, both of you, mind and heart.
Thank you.
Yours sincerely and forever,
Me.
The Spill Canvas, Our Song: "We never were, we'll never be."