You lay the metal on your skin. The light reflects off the blade, and flickers. Your pupils dilute and your eyes widen. Your gaze stays. You stare, you prepare. Tightening your hold on the plastic grip, you pull it across your skin. Hard. Fast. Quick. Deep. And when you reach the end of your arm, you pull the scissors away. The line you've embedded in your skin has slowly separated. You watch intently, feeling the burning sensation biting so hard into your skin. You wince, you cringe but the physical pain is nothing in comparison to that of the repressed.
The line you've drawn is now red. Bubbles of red slowly surface, and you can only stare. You hang your head, submission to cowardice. You look up and stare at the razor and could only wish you were courageous enough to plunge that thin metal deep. You wish you could count to three and watch your life start from the beginning.
Sometimes you don't die for the boy you love.
Sometimes people wish to die because they forgot how to live their lives.
I made a mistake so horrifying that I can't look up and stare at you in the eyes and announce that I am superior. Every test I am failing.
My emotions are stuck. Glued. Sometimes I get happy, I laugh. But then sometimes I awaken to the reality that lay before me. The risk was always there, always continuing. It will stay till the day I stop breathing. I think I am mad.
One mistake. Just one foolish move had me sprawling and calling for the end. Painless, fast, quick. The humiliation is painful. Awaiting it is even more. Sometimes I want to watch him spill his guts out. How, in one click he has ruined my life. Thrown it in the bin, washed it down the gutter, burnt it all to ashes. I can't piece together my life anymore and I really don't feel like tasting success.
Sometimes I just want to curl up into a fetal position, and cry. Sleep, forever. Take an eternal smoke. Live in a world of lies, of masquerades. I live up to reality and sometimes, it drives me crazy. I walk up to people and behave randomly, but inside I am anything but insane. I cannot control my emotions. One moment I can laugh at this depressing post and the next, googling painless ways.
I see all the girls around me, and can only laugh at myself.
You might think I'm faking it all.
It is all right. Half the posts I blog are only of literacy uses anyway. It is up to the reader to believe, imagine or mock.
Still. The mistake that I made was disgusting. From then on I could never put my heart and mind to anything. And I promise you, my writing has deteriorated. My short stories that I wrote for the past few months since boring ol' December, were ugly. If possible, they were illegal. I deleted them all.
Sometimes I ask myself why the fuck did I do it. If I could, I would return to the night I made the choice. I would never have returned to that silly place. I would turn around and walk away, probably training myself and losing a few kilos. But I didn't. I just had to have a shot at it, and there. I was backstabbed, betrayed. Let me just say, exposed.
But please, let me reinstate the fact that I am still pure. Just my soul is not. Similarly my reputation has been tarnished. I cannot forget it and move on. My body and mind just does not seem to allow it. My smiles have not been transmitted through my mind. My results are not dropping nor falling. But they are plunging. I am stupid. I am a failure.
I should just f off. Tell me a painless and fast way. And we'll see from there.