My eyes. My heart. My mind.
My fingers, my toes, my tries.
The keyboard looks like a stranger to me now and like a blank canvas, this text box just seems intimidating. I have never tried to hold back so much tears in my life and succeeded. Probably.
I'm self-conscious and I lack the determination to try. My once best friend has now destroyed all hope. Am I living a lie? I got over 2010's obstacles and 2011 only brought worse.
Have you had a lump in your throat that you can't swallow back? Well yeah, that's the feelings I get. Instead I choke on my tears and still, they end up pouring. I don't want people to fuss over me and interrogate me, "Liting, what's wrong?" "Liting, it's okay." I know it's okay, and I know you care... I just don't want to appear as pathetic as I already seem to be. Why can't I be happy all the time.
I ask so many questions, reflect myself so many times, just try to find some sort of hope. But it never works. And in the end, I try to be mad. To seem like someone else, and somehow this disguise etched itself tightly, as if permanently inside me.
And it's getting hard to change. Why am I so awkward? ... I need to find a way out. It's terrible how one boy was capable of tearing me down.
I'm overly self-conscious. Just because I'm loud doesn't mean I take insults as if they're rubber bands. I face up to facts, I know reality and I face it everyday. Just because I don't slice my own flesh to see blood, cry every night and whimper about my life, means I'm fucking lucky.
I go home to a half empty house with an aching spine and a wish for death. I blink back tears all the time. I'm asking for no pity. If my blog was a person, it would have been torn and tattered with rants and tears.
I'm irresponsible, I'm disgusting, I'm mad, I'm ugly, I irk people. People look at me as if I'm some sort of caged animal in a zoo. I make myself the ugliest as possible, so it proves I don't try to look good and end up failing. I only pray for the end to come quick, painlessly and effortlessly. Like a breeze.
I am a wastrel of society. However I insist that I am no suicidal mad mother fucker even though I have contemplated it umpteenth times. I must emphasize that I am not to the verge of being so pathetic as to End My Life. Well, if you get what I mean. If He wants me to die, He will let me die.
I know He is there but I know for me to have full faith and love form Him I cannot doubt Him. My heart can only continuously ache over the dumb mistakes I have made... And the dumbest.
I feel really. Really drained out of life right now. I just want to go. I've lost the taste of literacy.