There is something brewing in me, of emotions and unsaid words. I stop and think sometimes - and it makes me lose focus entirely. I want everything to just pour out, all the tempts, desires, passions and whatnot. But oh the fucking worst-of-em-all. Those unsaid words. I guess I did mention that conversations usurped as a large factor of my life - and when I don't get things right, I let that trend continue. Mistake after mistake. It's as if I'm jinxed or something.
I don't learn from my mistakes. My thoughts are wasted. Constantly.
I lose sleep because I keep thinking. I am confused. That is how clear my mind is and if you don't see the point of this post right now - don't worry. I am just as wondering as you are.
I played horribly in the game today. But we were blessed with a better, more talented goalkeeper - Regine. Screw the ball that went between her legs, nothing is impossible. In the end, we still won by a score of 8-4. The stakes were raised in the third period, before that everything was a knife to the neck.
Game aside. My life is a complete mess right now. I have tests to mug for, chapters to revise (because really, I only understand 'the', 'so' and well you get what I mean lah), sleep to catch up on and heaps of other personal things to do.
Haziq has told me to hold on or move on. But either way, I'm struggling. It's going to be close to the first month. To be honest, I don't know when we started out. All I know is that I - am a mistake to be with. I bore you, I hardly speak, but when I do, hardly anything productive is mouthed.
Who am I? All I can do is identify myself, and as a teen who has failed terribly at success. There has been countless (and I mean countless) words of motivation that I have heard about not giving up, but somehow hardly many of them told you how tough the path will be. Because the sweet taste of success numbs the rest of it all.
But if you fail once again, I don't know what to do.
I let Coach down. It isn't the first time.
My body became a solid slab of marble, probably because the nerve kicked in - and Coach was right. I wasn't ready.
I'm never ready half of the time I'm to be called out.
One last thing.
I have a lot to say but I don't say it out. Ask me what's wrong and I'll tell you nothing. Tell me Don't Be Emo and I'll tell you I Am Not.
Tell me to cheer up and I'll smile at you and say alright. Then go silent for the rest of the time.
Plenty of girls are like that.
I have zilch self-confidence. Or maybe I do have a little, I don't want to make myself sound pitiful.
To you♥, I won't say that you let me down. I'll bring it the other way around - I let you down. All the times you wanted to take me home, I constantly declined. My texts boast of no excitement at all. I never made you happy. I'm a boring kid. People tell me that we don't seem together at all. If there's one thing that brought me to heavy uncertainty, it's me. I doubt myself too much.
And if you ever read this, you would consider leaving me. I'll understand.
I'm sorry that this turned out such a failure. I probably have too much problems weighing down on my back now, and I don't want any of it to affect you. I just want to know you better. I love you, even though everything is just awkward now.